Kidnapped

Wealthy Italians will tell you that if you have to be kidnapped, it's better to be kidnapped by the Sards.

At least they are professional and won't kill you by accident or in a panic. If your relatives pay, you should be returned unharmed, unraped, and generally unmutilated.

If they don't pay, however, they can expect to recieve you, piece by piece, in the mail.