bomb-squading a suitcase on a vacated runway back in Dulles. 

Nine out of ten times, the security task force guy says, the vibration is an electric razor. 

The other time, it's a vibrating dildo.

Imagine, the task force guy says, telling a passenger on arrival that a dildo kept her baggage on the East Coast. 

Sometimes it's even a man. 

It's airline policy not to imply ownership in the event of a dildo.

 Use the indefinite article.

A dildo.

Never your dildo.

Never say the dildo accidentally turned itself on.

A dildo activated itself and created an emergency situation that required the evacuating of your baggage